“Damn fine coffee.”

just rain...

october luxury

"f*** it", I thought

Fell asleep from exhaustion, reading, at 9:30 p.m., slept 3 hours, tossed and turned for 1, insert title here, got up. Painting at 2 a.m.

a fine line

A.K.

Her hand touched me at the wrist.
"If I gave you my life, you would drop it. Wouldn't you?"
I didn't say anything.

-- Michael Ondaatje, The English Patient

Erinnerung für Zeiten wenn der totale Absturz droht

Lies Kapitel 13 in Terézia Moras "Das Ungeheuer". Es wird dich erneut retten.
Und versuche, so gut du kannst, nicht auf die Stimmen in deinem Kopf zu hören.

my day without color

infuse life

dizzy but sunny

plenty

found in a used German translation copy of Andrew Osmond's "Plenty", a dedication, dated September 21, 1987, and a thank you note, used as a bookmark

tough day

Reading Margit Schreiner's "Heißt lieben"  (I'm working on the next reading list) made me miss my Mom so badly. Not that a day went by the last almost 18 years that I haven't thought of her, but on some days something triggers me into the abyss. I believe this was taken only a couple of weeks before her sudden death.

almost I

as I see it

neighborhood

When I had Evanescence's "My Immortal" on repeat in iTunes, I knew that I needed to get out. ;)

finally....

some wetness from above.....thunderstorm

oh she was awesome, just awesome!

go me!

Who needs to eat anyway, right? ;)

sigh of relief

No, I'm not addicted, it's the last of 10 anti-thrombose injections. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am that I used the last one today. Me and needles = terror! And then having to give them to myself......pure horror. But I had to, I broke the long cycle of varicose veins on my mother's side of the family. I tracked it back to my great-grandmother. My mother and her sisters, my grandmother and her sisters, my great-grandmother all suffered from those awful things to various degrees (still remembering watching my grandmother "pampering" the open wounds on both of her ankles, celebrating whenever the holes became smaller and being devastated when they grew).

Three years after the stroke the veins on my lower legs finally got bad enough for me to investigate my options, and two weeks ago I started a year long treatment of getting micro-foam injected into the bad guys. After two treatments, my legs look like I have been in an accident (or got a really bad beating), but I'm so used to covering up my legs from a young age, I don't mind at all. Here's hoping it will be worth it in the end (and I'm not talking about looks).

finally...sun

I hope it's here to stay for a while....without getting too hot. Can't stand winter cold, can't tolerate heat either. Eternal spring/autumn would be my choice. Had the most wonderful Mother's Day. Loner that I am (and enjoying it, thanks to Pia, I found the book "Party for one", and feel so much more relaxed, normal, "validated" now about my introverted-loner-life), I spent the day at home, then my daughter called me from Berlin (where she lives) and we talked for about 90 minutes. We didn't have the best relationship for a really long time, but I think it's getting better......at least I feel this way. I hope my daughter feels the same.

lucky dream

These days (well, nights) I'm feeling lucky when I don't remember my dreams. It's mostly really bad stuff, related to all my issues of guilt and shame and every damned mistake I have ever made in my life. But last night I got really lucky. I got to spend time "in the hood" with one of my favorite film directors, Billy Wilder. Got to really talk to him about all kind of different stuff, and when that part of the dream was over I was so disappointed that I couldn't talk to him anymore, but another highlight was waiting for me around the corner. Dr. House (one of my all-time favorite - yeah, yeah, fictional - guys). And I got to talk to him for the longest time about so many things (and he loved that I had just finished talking to BW, lol). I wish that dream didn't have to end. I guess binge watching House is good for something. ;) I needed to take note here, I want to remember that there can be good dreams too.

six months

before I screwed up my life

Tossed the CD yesterday, couldn't bear to listen to the songs anymore.