I really want to lose the resentment, I just don't know how.
Yadda, yadda, yadda, I grow my strawberries on the balcony now.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
i miss my garden
As if there weren't enough reasons for me to feel sad, here's one more. I resent my ex-husband for many things. One of them: his pulling out of our marriage took away my last chance of living in a house (old, old house, but still...) and owning a garden. It will be three years on December 3rd that he dropped the bomb on me, but I'm still not able to forgive him. I'm calling him names in my dreams, names I wouldn't say out loud when I'm awake. But maybe I should reconsider, maybe I should call him all the names I can think of when I'm awake. Maybe I should have done that from the beginning, maybe I could have prevented stroking that way.
I really want to lose the resentment, I just don't know how.
Yadda, yadda, yadda, I grow my strawberries on the balcony now.
I really want to lose the resentment, I just don't know how.
Yadda, yadda, yadda, I grow my strawberries on the balcony now.
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I'm sad for your loss of a house, but even more that you feel the need to torment yourself with anger that does not even reach the recipient, it is only hurting YOU! Hugs...
ReplyDeleteYou're right of course, as I said, I really do want to stop it, but haven't found a way.
ReplyDeleteWe are slaves of our "automatic thinking", it takes a lot of hard work to reprogram in my experience. But I keep trying. Be aware of it, redirect it, exchange it for something else. Every day. I do not want to go back to who I was before my breakdown.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the tips, Pia. I will keep on trying, as you mentioned, I'm only hurting myself, and it just has to stop.
ReplyDeleteHere's the humorous version - I find that a bit of self irony helps me sometimes:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Ow0lr63y4Mw
LOL! I should have known to turn to Newhart for a solution. ;)
ReplyDeleteDivorce is huge. A stroke is huge. You've been through a lot and don't have much support - the only way feelings lessen is through expressing them and having them validated.
ReplyDeleteYou lost your health, your home your relationship and your garden (and yes I know how much it hurts to lose a garden)and it sounds like you don't have much support. If it were me I'd seek counselling so I'd have somewhere to really process such enormous life events. trying to eliminate the thinking without addressing the enormous feelings of abandonment that come iwth these kinds of issues, does not, IME work. It simply drives it underground, especially when you are also having a hard time accepting the reality of the situation.
B xx
Birdie, I did try to get counseling, but I'd have to pay for it out of my own pocket. No way I could do that. Also, I can't leave the apartment on my own (not enough balance, getting dizzy etc.), so I always need someone to come along. And I just can't ask that of the couple of people left in my life (since they already miss work when I have to go to neuro, hair dresser etc.). Long story short, I decided early on that I just have to get through this on my own, maybe with the help of books. And, as it turns out, I'm getting lots of help through online friends too. :) Ursula
ReplyDeleteBirdie is right though, and I did forget mentioning it myself although I thought it, those are huge life crises all on top of one another. So don't beat yourself up either for not making progress overnight. There is a huge mourning process too which just takes its own time.
ReplyDeleteAre you not entitled to some help from the council, a part time assistant to get you out of the house at least?
No Pia, according to authorities, I'm not "disabled enough" for that kind of help. It's okay really, since raising my autistic son for 20 years has made me even more introverted and reclusive than I'd been before. So I don't need (nor want) too many outings anyway. Hopefully some day they'll let me drive again (automatic only, I'm not allowed to drive with a stick shift anymore). That would help me immensely, so I can do the grocery shopping at least.
ReplyDelete