Wednesday, January 23, 2013

six months

Tomorrow it will be six months since the stroke. Though I've been making lots of progress physically, mentally I'm not well, not well at all. The depression is just too deep and debilitating, crying for hours and hours on a daily basis, and I don't want to add another doctor regimen (psychiatrist) to the list (I don't know if health insurance would pay for it anyway, and I couldn't afford paying for it out of my own pocket). Not taking anti-depressants doesn't make things better, but I feel I already have to take enough pills. Add to that the physical handicaps (weird walking, spasticity in the left leg and arm), and there you have the reason why I don't want to leave the apartment, except when I absolutely have to. People just don't get it, have the *chuzpah* of telling me to be thankful, it could be worse. I swear if I have to hear this one more time, I will commit murder. Sorry, I'm 48, had a stroke, and I don't have thankful in me right now. So people, walk away on your two perfect legs and give me some more tips on how I should behave and feel when/if you face a life changing and debilitating disease for the first time. I know it *always* could be worse, but that doesn't make my condition any better. Okay?

So, back to painting and sewing and secretly hoping that things will improve some more as time goes by.

watersoluble wax crayons and charcoal on 300 g/140 lbs watercolor paper, 24 x 32 cm / ~ 9.5 x 12.5"


  1. God no, of course you don't have thankful in you. I wouldn't either. This is an awful experience to go through and I really hope both your physical symptoms and the depression have improved since you wrote this. I also hope you have one or two more supportive people to talk to who are willing to acknowledge and validate your feelings and the reality of the situation now. Take care and we' ve never met but I'm sending you a hug too.

  2. Thank you Birdie, that's very kind of you. I think it's just too much, too many problems on all ends, money, health etc. One day at a time, right? ;) Best wishes to you.